The
weeks leading up to the birth of second child I tried to spend as much time
with my first child as possible. I broke all “good parenting” rules which
included taking her for ice cream EVERYDAY, let her sleep late, and let her
jump in bed with me on weekdays AND watch tv, just to name a few. I felt that
our time was limited for some reason and I wanted to cram in as much bonding
time as possible. I found myself looking at her and just thinking, “poor thing,
she has no idea that her whole world is about to be turned upside down”. As
horrible as it is to even think, I always thought that no matter how many
children I would have, she would always secretly be my favorite. I couldn’t imagine
loving another child as much as I loved her. I mean I had learned to become a
mother with her. She and I had gone through so many firsts together, so how
could another child match up to this?
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| Meeting and holding her brother for the first time |
Throughout
my pregnancy people would tell me that Valentina would, “be an excellent big
sister” or would, “have a hard time adjusting to sharing her parents’ attention”.
I projected both the best and worst case scenarios and tried to prepare her for
both. This involved daily pep talks, bringing her “gifts that her brother got
her”, and the beginning of simple chores around the house.
When
D-day finally came she was fast asleep in her big girl bed unaware of what she
would wake up to. I gave her a kiss on her head full of curls and whispered that
I loved her so much and that she was, “the best friend I ever saw”. She always
tells me this when she goes to bed so it seemed appropriate. I left her that
night feeling confident that I had done everything to prepare her for the following
day and the rest of her life as a big sister.
So as
moms often do, we think of everyone else before we even have the chance to
address ourselves and our needs. And because of this I failed miserably when it
came to my own preparation for having two children, at least in the emotion
department.
Perhaps
I could blame the excruciating and timely labor I went through, or maybe the
hormones, but regardless of the cause, I could not help but feel guilty for
having decided to have another baby and uproot my daughter’s entire life. A
large part of my labor process was spent rationalizing these emotions.
The
morning before my son was born, I was able to get her on the phone as she was
eating her breakfast. She was with her Uncle Max and when I heard her sweet
voice asking me if I was okay at the hospital, I completely broke down. I wanted
her there with me so I could hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I loved
her. It was at that moment that I realized NO ONE had prepared me for how
overwhelming and heartbreaking it can be to no longer just be a mother of one,
of one perfect and innocent first born child.
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| I pretty much stare at him and feed him ALL day long |
This
feeling did not go away quickly. It has been almost a month since Edward was
born and not one day has gone by that I don’t feel guilty for having to say no
to her for one reason or another:
“No mommy is feeding Teddy right now….”
“No mommy is still in pajamas so I can’t take you to school…..”
“No mommy can’t dance because I don’t feel good…..” –still in
pain from the whole birthing process
Now she
on the other hand is perfectly fine, I would say better than fine. It is like
she knows that Teddy needs all my attention right now and she respects that
completely. She is quite the helper with diapers and bringing me things I need
while breastfeeding. She is even good with her brother, especially when no one
is supposed to be looking. I do not think it is anything I did that has made
her this way, even though I wish I could take the credit. I truly believe she
has this little maternal side of her and it is a joy to see as a mother.
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| Yes I have succumbed to the double stroller, the heaviest piece of baby equipment I own |
And my
little Teddy bear is an absolute doll. I could not be more fortunate with my second
child. There is that saying, “If I would had my second child first, then I
would never have had a second”. This does not apply in my case what so ever. He
is such a chill kid. He eats ALL day, literally and has become quite the little
chunk. He is also a grunter which surprised me. I often look at him and see a
little old man staring back. There is no less love for him, just a different
love for my son that I never knew I always wanted. I relish in the fact that I have him all to
myself throughout the day while Valentina is in school. It has really allowed
me time to bond with him, recognize his little quirks, and memorize his
features. People, and I mean family, friends, and perfect strangers have told
us how much Valentina looks like her dad. I was really hoping that my son would
have something of mine, anything. And well I got what wanted……he got my fanny
chin! Of all things that is all he got of mine. The rest is all Philippe….
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| Hungry face |
I continue to try to do this “mother of two”
thing the best way I can. There are moments that I feel so fulfilled by having
these two beautiful children that I will literally just cry on the spot. And
then there are times when the two of them are crying for different reasons and
I cannot seem to prioritize their needs due to my month long sleep deprivation.
It must
be said that I am not alone in the care of my children. My husband has stepped
up to the plate like I could never have imagined. It reaffirms how fortunate I
am to have married a man that I knew would become a wonderful provider and
father one day. I have also received amazing support from friends and family
members. We were in Charlotte last week at my parents’ house and it was
rewarding to not only have a few hours all to myself but to see how much my
children are loved by my family.
Just
typing, “my children” up there, is surreal to me.
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| Yup, this pretty much sums up how I get a bite in throughout the day! |
In a
few weeks I will be going to Florida with my children, my husband, and my in
laws. I have mixed feelings about taking such a trip so soon after having Edward.
We are mixing my fears of him getting an infection since he is
immunocompromised, heat, travel woes, hormones, and not to mention, in-laws.
This mix promises to be a challenge but after what I have been through this
last year, this challenge is certainly do-able, almost I would say, easy.
TO BE CONTINUED
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